My grandpa died....

I don't even know what to say; I feel so sad right now. He had a stroke on Wednesday, the 7th, but we thought he was doing better. He was awake and talking and recognizing his kids (my dad and his brother and sister). Then I guess he had another stroke either late last night or early this morning, and he was gone.

I am having a hard time dealing with this right now; I'm 25, and I've never had anyone close to me die (my great grandma died when I was 4, but I was so young I didn't really understand). I just can't believe that this summer was the last time I'd ever see him. Yes, he was 87, but he was so healthy and alert that it just seemed like he'd go on forever. I can't believe that I hung out with him this summer for a weekend, talking and laughing and sharing his (our) family history, and now he's gone. I'll never talk to him again, never hang out at his lake house with him there. It hasn't even sunk in yet.

Going to his house on the lake was a treat every summer, and we'd done it ever since I was little. Austin and I loved the fact that his downstairs refrigerator was FILLED with pop. As kids who were allowed maybe one pop a week, we were in heaven! And we loved to go fishing up there (well, I loved to be on the boat and read; Austin took over the fishing aspect!) I just have so many fond memories of going up there and even just reading in their sunroom, while they watched TV. We didn't even have to say anything to each other; it was fun just hanging out in the same room.

My grandpa came down to my college graduation from UW-Madison in 2004, and I was so happy he was there. He seemed so proud of me (well, all his grandchildren) and he was so happy that I graduated from the same college as his two sons. I still laugh at the image of my two grandpas sitting there talking about everything under the sun; neither of them lacked for anything to talk about!

I am so glad that I spent time with him this past summer. While I was there, I was reading a book that some distant relative had put together about our family, and he and I spent a lot of time talking about our ancestry and the different relatives in the book. He also shared some humorous stories with me (like how my Aunt Missy got her nickname) and how he and my grandma couldn't agree on a name for my dad, so she threatened him by saying she was going to name my dad after his two grandfathers (Percy Aner (!)). My grandpa laughed that he chose the name Terrence pretty darn quick; he said that anything would be better than Percy Aner (and I think I'd have to agree)!

He was also so proud to give Dan and me my grandma Eleanore's sterling silver set. We spent a lot of time going through it all, and I could tell he was so happy to be giving us such a wonderful, sentimental wedding gift. So not only is the set gorgeous (which it is!), it meant a lot to me that it was something so special to my grandpa, and it meant a lot that he was so happy to be passing it on to me. So every time I use it, I will think of him and my grandma Eleanore.

I feel honored that my middle name was after his beloved wife, and Dan and I have always considered naming our first daughter either Kate Elisabeth or Kate Eleanore. I was hoping that my grandpa would still be around when she was born (especially if we made her middle name Eleanore) so that he would get to see his great-grandchild named after his wife.

But luckily, I do believe in some sort of afterlife, and the only thing that makes me feel better right now is that I know he is with Eleanore again. I can't explain how I know, but I know. I could tell, when he talked about her, that he still loved her deeply even though she's been gone for 31 years, and I know they must be having a joyful reunion right now. And I'm glad of that, really I am. But it doesn't make it any better for those of us left behind.

For those of you who knew my grandpa Cal, please feel free to leave a comment. I'd love to hear it.