I was reading an advice column in the newspaper last week; I think it was Ask Margo (which is written by Ann Landers' daughter) or something along those lines. The letters that are printed continually shock me and cause me to reflect, "What century are we living in again?"
This little gem was from a man with four children (and one on the way), and he was angry because his wife didn't do the housework. He then went on to say that they could afford to hire a housekeeper, but he didn't want to pay money for doing what he considered to be his "wife's job."
This irritated me on so many levels. First of all, why is it the wife's job to clean? Ok, I agree, if one person is a stay at home spouse with no children, then yes, she (or he) should do the majority of the housecleaning, simply by virtue of being home more. Of course, they shouldn't have to do it all, because once the working spouse comes home, the duties should be shared equally. It's certainly not fair for one spouse to work 8 hours a day, and the other be required to work (for no pay) 24 hours a day.
But when children enter the picture, all bets are off. Does this guy not realize that raising children IS a full time job? Sure, if he just wants them plunked down in front of the television all day, I'm sure his house could be spotless. But that's not how you raise children. Truly raising children involves reading to them, learning with them, taking them out to experience the world. If I am blessed to be a stay at home mom, our days will be spent at the library, the children's museums, the zoo. Sure, I'll try and tidy up, and the kids can help me as part of their chores (and it'll be a great opportunity to teach my son(s) that both guys and girls do housework). But housework is not going to be my main focus; I want to spend those precious childhood years actually raising my kids, not just watching them while I keep the house spotless. Whatever housework I don't get done during the day will be split equally between Dan and myself once he gets home.
Finally, this guy has some warped ideas about what is expected of his wife. Just because she has two X chromosomes doesn't mean that she has some intrinsic cleaning capability wired into her brain. And if she doesn't want to do it, and they can AFFORD a housekeeper, then why not? You would think that would be a great way to show his love for his wife. My husband, for example, changes all our cars' oil, rotates the tires, and fixes the brakes when needed. It just so happens that he loves doing this. But if he didn't, and we could afford to take it to a mechanic, I certainly would! There is no way I would say, "You have to do the car maintenance, because that's a husband's job. I'm not paying for a mechanic even though we can afford it." So why is this guy expecting a woman--a pregnant one, no less--to watch four young children and keep the house spotless? Seriously, he has some warped priorities. If I were him, I would be grateful that my wife was a stay at home mom who can raise our children with our specific values and morals; what a noble career! I would be thanking her for raising up the next generation; never once would the thought of criticizing her for the housework not being done even enter my mind!
No wonder some feminists see marriage and family as bondage. I personally think marriage and family are life's greatest blessings, but if I had a husband like the one listed above, I very well could think differently.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Some men...
Posted by Amanda at 9:15 AM
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2 comments:
I'm sorry, I don't usually comment blogs, but I just happened to read the same column.
While, I agree that the man shouldn't expect his wife to be his own personal maid, I also believe it should be her DUTY to dispose of used diaper's she's changed. Cleanliness is one thing-basic sanitation is another.
Also, just another little quip to add. Since the man had an in-home office, it's very likely that his hours were very flexible too (by very likely, i mean practically undeniable). This in turn means that he could be doing an equal share of raising the children, as is very often the case in such arrangements.
Also-think about the effect hiring a maid could have on the children.
Simply being able to buy your way out of a problem doesn't seem like a good lesson to teach your children. It wouldn't be like taking a car into a shop; it would be more comparable to hiring a personal driver. A constant excuse to avoid doing work you're capable of doing, even when time consuming (though, the work he speaks of in the column seems like it requires more self control than work... Hanging things up in the closet, cleaning up "diaper mines". Simple cleanliness isn't that demanding).
He further goes on to say that she watches substantial amounts of TV... which raises the question, if she's raising the children, do they watch an equal amount?
Sorry, I don't mean to come off as rude, the condemning rant you took toward the man, however, bothered me. I understand if you disagree with his views... But you surely should be able to see where he's coming from.
Why does he think that housework is such a priority full stop?
I intended that as a rhetorical question but the answer is really that he acquired his 19th century attitudes from his mother when he was a very young boy.
But you're right, of course. Men who prioritise on housework being done by other people should learn to prioritise on paying to have it done.
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